V-Day Mani.

Here it is. My incredibly tacky, gaudy Valentines Mani.  At least this will be my mani until I can think of something more obnoxious to do. 

 LOL. 

Colors are China Glaze Salsa and Seduce me. The pink stripes are L.A. Colors Art deco in pink shimmer.  


ETA:  Shit just got crazy. 


"Jewellery" over at MUA slapped some sense into me.  She was like, "Where's the glitter?  Where's the rhinestones?" She was totally right!  My original mani was no where NEAR gaudy or annoying enough!  So, VIOLA! 

There we go.

Jelly baby.

While I'm busy snuggling and smooching, I'll leave you dudes with some swatches of wonderful Jellies.  After all it IS valentines day!  And you guys know how I am ALL about commercialism controlling the happiness in my relationship.

I freaking LOVE this red jelly.  It took 4 coats to get it this opaque but I don't effing care!  It doesn't matter to Jesus!

Yeah, the bottle is all smudged.  Look, I can't be scrubbing and cleaning all kinds of jars, and WHO KNOWS how many bottles.  I recently got this long time lemming in a swap and I am in LOVE with it.  It's more of a very dark raspberry color than a true red.  This was 3 coats.  Any Brian Reagan fans out there?

I love this warm purple jelly!  It's so juicy. HAR DE HAR HAR. This was a whopping 5 coats but I didn't need that many.  I just wanted it to be completely opaque.  Sorry about the lame juicy thing.

Wowza!  Quick somebody get me my inhaler!  I need it so I can smash it against the wall in my sheer excitement.  This is THE purple jelly people. The polish brand is Sugar Baby.  It dries about 4 shades darker than bottle color.  Which is a very good thing, because if it didn't it would be a dead on dupe to Nfu-oh 554.  We can't have that now can we?

Here is an outdoor photo of it for good measure. 3 coats

Happy Valentines day everyone, and if you haven't done so yet, get in the shower and shave your freakin' legs you lazy ho!  Don't you know that shaving your legs today is your man's reward for the $4.99 bouquet of  flowers he got you at 1 AM from Wal-mart last night?  Seriously I was at Wal-mart last night and the self checkout line was a mile long.  It was comprised of nothing but solitary males holding shitty flowers looking ashamed.

Awwww.

Valentines day came early for me guys!  I guess having a blog is going to benefit me in many ways.  He must have read my Valentines Day Post.   Muhahahahaha!  

Here is the front of my card.  I had to show it off because of the whole sexy nails thing.  Despite my best efforts I could not edit out the unfortunate nicknames you see displayed above. So, I guess I'm just going to have to level with you here.  Look, I had a moderate gas problem at one point during our relationship ok?  It was not severe, just moderate.  I have since been dubbed "pooter" and I cannot shake it for the life of me.  The whole "rootin" thing has to do with my snoring. Yeah, I admit it.  I am a pooter that snores, ok?  Just deal with it and let's move on.

Guess what was inside the card my dear friends.  COLD HARD CASH.  It might as well have been a box-o-polish right?  Amirite or Amirite?  I'll leave you to deal with your jealousy over my super awesome gift with a pic of my nail of the day.  Zoya Indigo.

Yeah.  My bottle showed up with no label.  Weird.  I did contact customer service about it.  I will just give you a quick tip about Zoya customer service.  If you are thinking of calling them, don't.  Instead rip up a 20 dollar bill and then punch yourself in the face.  It's really a lot more painless and there is no waiting.

V-Day Practice.

I really could care less about Valentines Day and we don't celebrate it, but I AM going to use it as an excuse to do an over the top, gaudy manicure.  I find this hilarious because I pride myself in not basing the value of my relationship on commercial holidays like V-day.   We are like, totally above that crap, man.

Then, Valentines Day rolls around and all those "We're above it all" feelings go straight out the window because I *Still* expect a gift and get all pissed when I don't get one.  It's one of those unbreakable female instincts.  I get all depressed and think to myself  "who cares if I told him I don't want to celebrate valentines he should get me flowers anyway just because he wants to".  I then silently convince myself that he doesn't love me for 8-12 hours. I don't say that petty crap out loud though.  Remember, it was my idea not to celebrate the stupid holiday.  So the statement that should have started this post was, "I really could care less about Valentines Day on everyday of the year except Valentines Day".

Anyhoo, here are some of my practice runs, and ideas for V-day manis.

 Zoya Vanessa with dots in Essie MCA and Essie African Violet. Not gaudy enough but close.

Essie African Violet with Lippman Maneater. Erm, this was supposed to be like those V-day chocolates with the pink middles. The ring finger looks like it's missing something. It's just ok., not NEARLY obnoxious enough.

Cutesy. This is Sinful Colors Beautiful Girl with China Glaze Ravishing, Dahling flowers and a silver glitter for the centers.

This was an attempt at sort of a "reverse" french. It looks terrible. The polishes are Misa High Waist Hue, and Push Upon It. Boring and Blech.

Essie MCA with a Sinful Black on Black chevron outlined in white. This was meant to remind me of those little pastel candy hearts but I don't think it's cutting it.

DOLLA DOLLA BILL Y'ALL!

Oh the horror, the terrifying chunky horror!  This craptastic mani truley captures the essence of  V-day. I keep picturing some lady seriously wearing this around like it's totaly normal to focus on expensive gifts to the point of wearing it as a manicure, then I giggle hysterically.